i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
