i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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