I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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