That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
