I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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