i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize