I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
