He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
