my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
