we have officially lost it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
