You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
