bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize