I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
