You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
