At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
