i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
