So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
