Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
