I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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