i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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