Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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