I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just forgot I was standing up.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
