hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
