there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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