Pappa wants mamma naked
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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