Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
