I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just puked most of my soul out..
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