I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
