i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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