I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
