DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
