Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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