Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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