a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
