he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Of course I have a pirate flag
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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