I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
