ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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