Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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