So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
me + whiskey = a bad person
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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