Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
