Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
