He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
