true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
