4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
In the future we'll all be gay
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
