M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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