I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
