The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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