found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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