How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
