Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
