I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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