sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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