There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
