I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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