who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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