I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
